Sunday 3rd May
onstairs
stephan1ec
Heyy  =D

well its only 12:45 so cant really call it sunday yet but my blog will so supose i will too!!

yesterday.. technichaly today =S was gddd =D i was doing housework all day cleaning like crazy.. i took three diet pills (=S) so i had loadsss of energy and was buzzing around the house hopefully burning loadss of calss =D.. and i ate 250 cals which im really happy with =D

i hope its made up for friday because that was awfull!! i just b/p all day and by the end of the day i was just binging i dont know what happend to me it was just like my mind was numb and i just kept eating and eating.. i feel sick when i think about it now! 2000 cals i recon if not more! =(

im trying to think positive though.. maybe it boosted my metabolism.. and saturday was gdd and today will be too =D

im going out to town tonight..well sunday night - this thing is really confusing me about whether to call it today or tomorrow =S and i got housework still to do so hopefully i will be busy cleaning and then too busy geting ready and getting excited to even think about food =D

I made this collage kinda thing.. i love being creative like this and thought it was pretty good so decided to share it with you =D was going to post it on AQ but thought i best not incase its seen as thinspo or trigering!

its not ment to be either, its just a reflection of how i feel i supose.. i think this is what my thoughts would look like if they could be seen...





i hope it shows up ok.. looks a bit blury on here =S

xoxoxox



Monday 13th April
onstairs
stephan1ec

So i actually feel loadss beter than i did this time yesterday, just generally more positive =D.
Made up with my mum, kind of anyway we just gradually started speaking little bits again so by tomorrow i think everything will be back to normal!
Still havent heard from the boyfriend, and dont think im going to either. I texted him for the first time since friday.. just a causal kind of text.. how stuff going and that.. no relationship talk! still didnt hear anything back! hopefully will be going out to town on wednesday with the girls.. really hoping i bump into him and get to talk to him.. the plan is though to wait now see if i see him on wednesday night, and if i dont maybe give him a call on thursday!! not going to try anything before then.. dont want to push it!! what time to do it tho? =S dont want to do it when hes in work.. dont want to leave it too late incase hes out/ drinking with mates? dont know if he will be on an early like 8-3 or late like 1-9 =S
And day one of the fast.. well i kind of messed up on that! but not terribly.. i had a few slices of sandwich chicken, a pickeled egg, and a few mouthfulls of soup - althogether approx 100 cals.. and then the guilt started, i had a bowl of 100 cal soup in front of me.. it didnt even taste nice i wasnt hungry or enjoying it so i stoped after a few spoonfulls and i purged straight away, so im hoping i got all of the calories out of me!!
Hopefully now tomorrow i will rember that feeling of guilt if i feel tempted to break the fast, i dont want to have to purge, ive got a sore neck now think ive pulled a muscle so hopefully this will stop me from breaking the fast tomorrow!
Did about an hr and a half work out..clubland work it out!! was first time ive done it as gym membership has just run out =( didnt compare to an intense gym workout but was pretty gd.. will wait and see how my muscles feel tomorrow before i judge!!

xoxoxox

Sunday 12th April
onstairs
stephan1ec

Having the worst time ever!! my life is  just a mess... my ex is fucking it up!
i cant get him out of my head because of him all i wana do is drink till im paraletic take drugs and abuse my body.
why do i let people do this to me? why cant i be strong? my mum tried to stop me from going out to town so now weve had the hugest argument ever and fell out were normaly so close and this is just all his fault!! why does he have to do this and hurt me like this?

My mum cooked a huge dinner today for Easter and had all the family round i totally fucked up and ate loadss..i purged successfully..VERY succesfully for the 1st time ever though.. only managed to do it a gd few hours after we ate tho so dont know how much gd it will have done but it definatly made me feel beter! and hopefully ill be able to do it next time i try now 2!  Thats the only gd point to my day really! I feel so down i hate everything at the moment.. the fact that my ex still hasnt got in touch and probably wont, that i look soo fat and ugly i make myself feel sick and that im still living at home for the next 5months i need to get out of here so i can just do what i want when i want and not have to eat!! oo and another thing i hate is that i have noo money i need 2 just be able to go out every night get bladered and sniffed!! and buy clothess even though i would still just look like a giant heffer in them anyway!! everything is such a mess!! :( :( when will i ever be truly happy?

xoxoxox

Saturday 11th April
onstairs
stephan1ec



Felt amazing when i woke up this morning had no appetite at all which was greatt!! but i went bowling with the family and had a meal out afterwards which kind of recked it.. had a hot chicken salad though and nothing else all day so im not feeling too bad.

The boyfriend has been horible all week..was soo down today and yesterday cant stop thinking about it and crying pretty much constantly apart from when im drinking STRONGGG drinkss...so because ive been thinking about him havent even thought about food much which is gddd.. hopefully tomorrow will go okk.. mums doing a bigg dinner for easter but im hoping to fill my plate with veg and complain of an upset tummy and have nothing else for the rest of the day.. and tomorrow nite HOPEFULLY get my mates out in town n drink, sniff and dance till i pass out!! HOPEFULLY finally get him out of head!!!

Steph

xoxoxoxox

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